I am fed up that everything I tile is collected by auto-chicken.
I realise now that my mistake was probably that I tried to type auto-check instead of auto-collect.
But it has been collected.
There is obviously a fault. At least with the auto-correct but possibly worse than that. So while we are stuck here I might as well carry on.
There’s the joke of the year from Edinburgh Fringe by Ken Cheng, “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”
Well, things were different before the changes.
A previous year Tim Vine won with “I sold my vacuum cleaner, well it was just gathering dust.”
My son in law Spee tells me that Norwegian ships have a bar code on the side so they can Scandinavian.
On to my new look with the curls.
Now that it has grown back the way it has I don’t remember what my hair was like before I had radiotherapy, but I am sure it didn’t make mature women giggle like girls.
One Direction, they went their separate ways.
Away from humour and on to poetry with this corker from Ralph Bear (thank you ever so)
Me pen and paper
Me sword in hand
Me march off to unknown lands
Me get me got
Godspeed I trot
Me pen and paper
Me sword in hand
Here’s my big lad who has hit the big time…
This popped up again recently, created by Olivia Jayne Newton. As a promotion for the first ever stage production I’ve been in.
And my dream:
I dreamed that in the olden days what people who had excess limbs did is they joned the navy. Navy surgeons are renowned for cutting off limbs so sooner or later it is bound to happen. Neville had three legs so he joined up and a couple of years later there was an incident and sure enough the surgeon sawed one of his legs off. So he was able to come home with two.
When Mervin, (who had five arms) saw him returning looking so well balanced he too decided to go away to the navy. Eight years he was there, then sure enough there was an incident and they sawed off one of his arms. Trouble was, they sawed off the right arm, which was the only one he had at that side and left the other four he had on the left side as they were.
There is a moral to this story, or at least there was a moral to it in the dream.
NASA announced lately that they had discovered a planet that could harbour life, but it couldn’t be guarenteed that there was intelligent life there; of course there is, who do they think built the harbour.
For any of you who haven’t heard, I was given the all clear last week.
Feedback on my Discworld Blog;
“And, oh my! what a joy to receive your narrative on and your utterly delightful drawings of the most marvellous place to be in in the entire Multiverse. (Tho’ I can’t help thinking your portrait of C.M.O.T. Dibbler is just a little too flattering; “unsavoury”, after all, is not just a word that applies literally to his wares, it also applies metaphorically to his person.)” Julie Speedie
The best of times the worst of times, this always seems to be the way for me. So it is on this trip to Scandinavia. Yes my health seems to have taken another of its backwards steps whilst I am supposed to be getting better each day a bit at a time.
I have been saying over this ill health year that there are good patches every day (my pal Donna wants to know where I buy these patches) I cannot even say this at the moment; no, no good patches but good people. Good people here every day and we feel like being here every day. So if you never see Sigrun, Alda and Svanhvit again it is because they have stayed here with me in ‘Wolf Town’ forever. Well, either that or their car fell completely apart on the way home. It started on the way here, and quite frankly there isn’t much left – except super glue and Gaffer tape.
I can be ill here and still happy, I would be just as poorly if I was at home and I am surrounded by laughs, love and ‘loveliness’ yes.
The Norns. We are the three Norns and life is only perfect when we are united. Oh no, they have their mum with them! So I have promoted her to the position of Norn – where does that leave me? I guess I am the devoted follower; a bit like the besotted, squirmy, devotee you see with vampires. I am the Norns assistant.
I got here though – we are back in beautiful Denmark; last year I did a review, with a main feature on Danish design: It is rubbish! Unless it is eggcups of course, they are good at them.
Not that you can tell they are eggcups by looking at them. If you were out shopping for them you would probably pass them right by.
So, if you see something and you don’t know what it is, buy it, take it home and stick an egg in it.
When I say design what I mean is; if you build a thing you have built it, but if you spend time beforehand thinking not only about whether or not it looks cool but about whether or not it will actually work, or even better finding ways it will work better and in new ways – then – it has been designed.
That isn’t how it works here, well not in my experience last year, admittedly my very limited experience of just one apartment; a grannie flat actually.
Converted from a cellar and retouched recently to be lettable to mugs, sorry I meant tourists.
The loo was under the stairs in a miniscule cupboard where you couldn’t even stand up at the sink, yet the bathroom was gigantic. One of those semi basement places where there are huge windows all along the back wall with no nets; this is all over looked by a children’s play area for the people upstairs. Needless to say, the second time I went in there I wore clothes, at least till I got the curtains closed.
The water from the shower hit the back wall of the bath and followed a runnel around under the shower heads. I realised as I got out it was flying to the tiles like a waterfall. I mainly discovered this by stepping into the lake my clothes and towel were in.
The dining area was in my bedroom, the couch and computer desk were in the other bedroom. The wardrobes had been newly painted and were sealed shut as a result.
The kitchen was minute; a short passage with a narrow cupboard by the window. A mismatch of tiny pottery hung on a rack and the one cupboard held the fridge (which ripped your skin off every time you opened it). When you turned on the really high tap the water hit the tiny round sink in such a way that it turned into a geyser which visited the electric hob in torrents, (most of us survived intact).
When we discovered the final straw of opening the window we were almost glad that is was impossible to close again because it was out of reach so at least the owner would understand that fault.
Don’t even get me started on shopping in Velje!
But no it is this year and that is all behind us. The 2017 review. This time it is Ryanair.
The engines are not powerful enough to be able to keep the lights on during take off. If they didn’t make us all sit in the dark we would never get off the ground, well not all the way up anyway. Similarly make sure you turn everything off when about to land or the engines will never get us to the ground.
Magazine racks are an optional extra same as tickets and seats are.
As for passengers, I don’t think it is just my mood but everyone travelling with Ryanair is really irritating. It is urgent to get to the plane as soon as possible. Some race across the runway to get to the back steps before you, even at the expense of a young family member, only to discover she has the now needed boarding passes and is at the bottom of the steps behind everyone. Hah hah hah hah haa.
Hah hah hah hah oh I have to wait until she can bring them till I can get past them.
Yes I know the boarding passes were checked at the boarding pass checking gate before we set off down towards the plane so don’t need checking again now we are all passengers getting on the same plane I know, I know, I know.
They lied about extra leg room, I didn’t fall for paying for extra leg room; it turns out what they really meant was actual leg room.
Flying Ryanair without paying for all the extra extras is like being in a plaster cast – and I had to share!!!
They brought me wine, though things are not what they were, one glass and I fell asleep.
That’s where I got to dream that there were two rival singers running airways; Ryan Adams and Brian Adams. I was lucky to be on Ryanair. Brianair is even worse, “Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be charging you.”
Let not my whole review of our holiday in Denmark be critical and bad I shouldn’t poke fun all the time.
The cabin is fantastic – cheap too. Here in Ulfsborg we are in the depth of woods and I am the log man.
There would be no kindling without me without me there would be no kindling. The fires they burn because of me because of me the fires burn.
I have another important job too, that of fire monitor.
It might be worth noting that I have a specific walk for each of these important tasks, so the mere girls know what it is I am about.
I may have failed occasionally, when one of the ‘girls’ points out that a fire is getting a bit low. What they fail to realise is that they real man fire monitor has an inbuilt sensor and was just about to get up and add another log. Chop chop.
The area is beautiful. I admit Norwegians are wrong; whenever you say to one of them, “What’s Denmark like?” They reply in the same way every time, using the one word, “Flat.”
They are right yes, but they are quite condemning when they say it, dismissive, they cannot bring themselves to say more, for indeed there is nothing left to say.
In future I may respond with, “And happy!”
It is not quite as flat as they say, not like in totally. It is beautiful with much nature (Beaches are hard to get to or even see without owning a holiday home among the private dunes) but there is so much protected wildness.
I have enjoyed: thatched rooves, wooded estates, gladioli (so yes it is beautiful), lille frogs, lille cakes, sporadic songwriters, antiks, crafts, fleas, fungi, pagan sacred areas, sculptures, sand sculptures, marinades, free vodka, fish cakes, Asatru forests, carved gods and goddesses, mother goddess shaped sacred areas, recovered long-ships, towers of hope, mjord, home-baking, proper bread, fired steak, thatch dryers, lille horses, bus shelters, everything.
We have planned: future trips, future residences, bake houses, barn conversions, Jorvik shows, poodle tales, Hastings, graphic novels, fan trips, London fashion week, TV series, rock opera, Vegas trips, tunics, wood carving, Greek myth shows, book launches, landscaping, stalls, food festivals, story shares, sock making, everything.
We look around, everyone looks happy, really happy, as we sit with chocolate Soft Is (not me thank you), they smile, as they pass they are so so happy – I hate them!
This is the happiest place to live in the world – How irritating!
Oh if only we had so much spare time. As we sat in Sandwichvej, Holstebro thinking of our drive back to Klitvej Cabins it wasn’t like we were on holiday at all all of a sudden. We looked around at a happy happy people who have half a vacation’s worth of time off every week of the year (I swear they retire at twenty nine and a half) it as like we were already halfway back to Drudgevej, Taskmadby.
They are so relaxed they don’t even realise bicycles are for exercise, (actually they are not, they are for getting from A to B cheaply and in a hurry, but there is no way on earth they would get that idea) they are a gentle occupation of the ‘occupy your time’ generations of this Nordic land.
They walk like they have those bouncy blades Paralympians use strapped to their feet, but not to hurry at all, oh no.
Slow cycle, slow, we have a lot of time to fill, a lot of time.
They haven’t rushed since they leapt off the Viking long-ships and charged into your land roaring.
Ah, all of those guys stayed in Iceland, Belfast or the Gorbles. These are the descendants of the remainder.
Not a lot of these oceans of spare time are spent on appearance; utility is the only option – and hairdressers for women must only possibly survive if they charge an immense amount per cut to whip it all off. Not one woman in Denmark has long hair. Boy cuts. Dead straight forward boy cuts, but hey ‘we gotta get out there and cycle slow looking happy’.
‘We are so relaxed we can not even be bothered clapping singer songwriters why should we have long hair?’
‘What do you think we are – Vikings?’
Hang on – there’s a fashion statement – there is someone coming up the street in a T shirt – with something written on – it says – it says – Let’s Party and Dance. They even need extra instructions on how to party!
Here on the way home I reflect in a more serious mood on how nice everyone was and what a great time we had.
I sit now with my sandwich of bacon, wettuce and what-once-was-tomato and recall the beautiful scenery. The forest deep in the centre of the country was my favourite part. The centre should be designated an area of outstanding unflatness as it is less like Bonnie and Clyde land and more like Yorkshire with extra wildness. It rolls.
We got lost. All we had to look out for was a particular tree but it could only be seen from the west of the trees and we were driving from the east (I think). My favourite part of the trip, of the whole holiday in fact, was getting lost in the wrong forest. I don’t think the three drivers were as chuffed, indeed I guess, Jonas wished he had come in his truck. It was magical nonetheless; and we did eventually find our sacred forest with its large carvings of the old gods and goddesses.
We will be going there again – by a more direct route.
I almost forgot – I am a Viking Chieftain!
We dressed up – no we didn’t – ‘we became’. Off we went to the meandering magical village of the ancient Danes.
This village has been built so well, modelled on dwellings and arrangements of the area and on buildings from other regions of the Viking empire such as Iceland.
The variation added to the natural appearance of the village which rolled and wandered just as if it had gradually developed.
Now, when I go back to Norway I have sailed the sea in many ships over in Denmark as soul command.
Christian (Schuetz) the storyteller from Germany was so impressed with my interpretation which cannot be described as untrue that he invited me to the long house to sit upon the tall imposing chieftain’s throne. This I did and promptly declared myself chieftain. I can tell you that I addressed my subjects and all those around me obey my every command; wave I command and they wave etc.
In this land where I sailed those ships I had sat as chieftain yes.
And if you want to prove wrong my cheeky descriptions of boring unimaginative Danish people then go to the marvellous Café Sajd in Jelling and their highly exciting Mythological Festival. – http://www.cafesejd.dk/mytologiskartfestival/
As part of our show featuring myself with Alda and Sigrun Bjork Olafsdottir and our stunning models we present costume, music, song and story for a Goddess experience.
Here are poems inspired by Skadi the huntress goddess followed by my narration for the cat walk and the beautiful Skadi costume designed by Sigrun is elegantly shown for us by our talented model displaying for you to the unique magic of Alda’s composition.
Skadi 01 – Follow Her Way
Thrymheim – storm-home
Beyond loveless lava flows
Where ice burns
Beyond the burning blue crevasses
See her icy fury
Pale eyes growing cold in rage
Vengeance upon murderers
Stars of the father
look upon the just and fair
Be safe with Skadi
for as long as there is night
Her kind wildness in your heart
Skadi 02 – Finding The Warmth
Let love of winter lands
Bring firm cool flesh
Breasts and belly proud and smooth
By the cold
Yes fresh is best
All the better to fire the pulse of man
The beat of the heart
The stand of the man
To find and join at last
With the inner secret warmth
Let flow the icy breath of ecstasy
Skadi 03 – Free Will’s Arrow
Goddess of the victim
Bringer of justice
Rights of the underdog
Skadi will make you strong again
Watch for the buck’s run
Or the burst of icy waters
The stag’s breath
Be quick of eye; back on target
Laugh with all your heart
A giantess among women
The stars shine especially for you
Go where you will;
Free to love
Or free to love life alone
As and when it suits
The huntress in your heart
Beware, for here walks Goddess Skadi, wild huntress of the far north. Beyond the blue crevasses, far over highest mountains, far beyond the loveless lava-flows, there is her abode; where stones crack, there stands her towering halls upon dark rock heights. Here she oversees the winter. Looking across the worlds of men and gods and darker beings. She sees you. She watches, ready, so beware, Skadi: judging the harsh, the cruel and the killer. She is your guardian dear victim, if you have been painfully treated you can call her spirit to you. You, yes you, she is here for you today. For she would stand against gods. Let her father’s eyes the stars look down upon you from the blissful dark.
Snow-dweller of cool firm flesh she has an inner secret warmth that she would share if you have the heart to be as free as her, yet how she loves, let old man Njord of the noisy sea dare to climb with her above the scree and ice crags, his beautiful feet clad in woven shoe, and he will find a young heart within him when he lays with her. Yes, she has joined with the oldest element of fertility, the ruler of the very winds, the tides; his currents flow as young as ever now. He brought her bounty and she brings bounty too.
Be swift of eye when she is with you, watch the buck’s dash and let your arrow fly. Let men wish for your darts of command so they may be with you for just one night. Let the toxic sharks dangle on your hook with forlorn hope, that they may be reeled in to breath the ice-cold air of redemption. You who brings in the wild goodness and embraces the gleam of low light that shines through the sheets of blue and yellow and silver ice. Let tall battlements be nothing of obstacle to those who know what is fair and just, for strong will be the icy rage if your Skadi-heart is not listen to with expected respect. Stand and face gods and Giants you follower of Skadi you.
Brave tall peaks of the impossible with her beside you for she brought laughter from the gods for all the worlds to be giants of reckless joy.
We are thankful now. For your wildness, for your beauty, for your joy, for your strength of heart and keen arrow. Skadi, we thank you, thank you Skadi.
And here is my Poem of the Goddesses, I have blogged it before but as it covers all the Viking Goddesses and the empowerment they bring you I thought it was worth you having a look see here. Besides, it just might give an insight into the future for Sigrun of just how much sewing she will be doing as our show grows and grows!